"I have been more outrageous and more alone and more courageous than the world has known. Passerby, my heart is like your own."


Leaves of one of the tomato plants curled in the sun.  I don’t want it to die before Adam gets it planted.  Four of them are waiting in their pots by the deck ramp–red cherry, yellow cherry and two beefsteak.  I called Adam.  He said he’d be out early in the morning before he starts his other jobs.  K took some water out and gave them a drink.  Is it too little too late?

I’m curling up too, in many ways–physically, mentally, emotionally.  I’m reminded of this every day in one way or another.  Tonight I had another episode with the blood pressure increasing, not adequately decreased by BP med, and all the other physical symptoms that go along with the hypertension.  The nausea, ear ringing, weakness, flushing, faintness.  It’s very uncomfortable.  And scarey.   And I feel so alone.

Two weeks ago K took me to the ER.  We were there for 5 hours and by the time the med team got to me, the symptoms were gone.   K said I should get rid of my fear of dying, that I should be ready to die.

I’m not ready to die.  I’m 84 and grateful for the longevity I’ve been given, but I’m not ready.  Is any one ever?  K says he is.  I see myself ‘wilting.’  I feel it, see it in my body.  All the changes.  No one else sees, or cares.  Being old is lonely.  No one can understand until they’ve been there.



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12 thoughts on “Confused

  1. Hello – thanks for popping by and following by blog – its really good to have you on board.

  2. Hi there. Thanks for following my blog. I hope I can bring something to your day, a smile, a frown, or even a question look like “is this guy for real”.
    It looks like you are new to the blogging world. You’ll find there are so many interesting people out there you should never be bored, and hopefully you can be enlightened in some way.
    My 75 year old mother lives with us so our situations are similar, but reversed. She has just completed her 3rd book and has only been writing for just over a year. I’m very proud of her, as you should be proud of yourself.
    Anyway, enough chatter, thanks again,

  3. Hi Dwayne, I think I may have replied to your response to my post in the wrong place. I’m learning where things are, bit by bit. You have brought much to my days already, and thank you.

  4. Not a problem, there’s lots to learn so be proud of yourself for what you’ve done so far.
    The last couple days we’ve been busy readying the yard for the year so I haven’t put up any new posts. I’ll do one tomorrow likely. Talk soon,

  5. I look forward to reading your new posts.

  6. I spent the last year living in the hospital alongside my daughter while she courageously worked on stabilizing her body after a complicated surgery. Her biggest setbacks came from fear. Of course the first and biggest fear was of dying. Once she started to get out of fear she could heal. Fear is deadly life is not. Life is for living IN THE MOMENT in happiness. Fear will easily cause the symptoms you have. You and everyone in this world will die when they are done with life. Fear and stress can accelerate that process…..:-)
    You seem like a fabulous person. Can’t wait to read more posts. Love , live , and enjoy each moment.

  7. My heart broke when I read your words, “I see myself ‘wilting.’ I feel it, see it in my body. All the changes. No one else sees, or cares. Being old is lonely. No one can understand until they’ve been there.” I am sure you FEEL at times like no one else cares, but then when you take stock of your life and your many blessings, you know that’s not true. Make a list of the people who care and the ways they have shown you that they love you. Concentrate on that list. As the old song says, “Count your many blessings, name them one by one; Count your many blessings, see what God has done…” Yes, your body is changing – as mine is – and everyone else’s, too – and no one sees or feels YOUR physical changes the way you do, but your mind is active, your eyes are keen, your fingers fly across the keyboard to share beautifully the sights and sounds of your world. You are not alone. Alone does not need to mean lonely. Not at all!!! That was a momentary assessment. Reassess, my dear blogging friend! Reassess, look, listen, reach in to the depths of who you are and find your strength there. You are love… and you are loved. Share!! Get that book of poems published. Let me know when it’s ready. I want a copy!! ❤

  8. Hi! Thanks for following. I have to say don’t fret about “Wilting” as you put it – you’re just getting ready for the really big adventure that will take you to a wonderful place where you will be able to see all the good things you’ve done in your life.
    Cheers, Martin

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