"I have been more outrageous and more alone and more courageous than the world has known. Passerby, my heart is like your own."

Just Thinking

Early morning brightness when I woke for the second time. Though I love the sun, I knew it would be another steamy day.  And it has been.

The GOOD news is, I’m walking a wee bit.  Last night I pushed the walker outside and watered the tomato plants.  A very short drink but enough to get them through the night.

This morning I walked out to the deck with my wheelchair, sunned for five minutes, soaked up that good Vitamin D, then came back in. I hope to increase the sun time a little each day.  I might have stayed longer but the dogs were panting & impatient  to go in.  The sun was hot and they’re indoor dogs.  We’ve been using the AC for at least a month.  Being outside with the rest of the world was thrilling  I felt more human than I have in a long while.

A quiet day.  I spent most of it rereading May Sartin’s “At Eighty-two.”  Knowing it was her last book and her last year of life makes it so poignant.   How would she have responded to different situations had she known?  She would have wanted to slow down and enjoy her life but I’m not sure she could have broken a lifelong habit of feeling she needed to attend to business.  She was not well, unable to keep up (no one could have handled the volume of mail and personal requests she got), which was okay but she fretted about it so much.

I wonder that about myself.  What would I do differently if I could shed the ‘shoulds’ in my life?  Thing is, it’s hard to change habits of a life time.  That, and the fact that my life is so disorganized right now.   Like May, I misplace things and often just forget.  My volume is not high but I still feel I can’t keep up.

I have a thorny interest in older people and their ailings, a need to compare my decline with theirs, to know how seriously ill I am, or if it’s serious at all, and not really wanting to know.  At my age, any little symptom can be much more threatening than the same symptom for a younger person.

Reminds me how important it is to live each moment fully.  “Each moment is the only moment.”   I keep reminding myself.  I look back on my life and realize how very little of it was spent in growing spiritually.  So much time spent in inconsequential things.  Sadly, many lessons aren’t learned well until late in life when it’s often too late to put what you’ve learned into practice. Makes sense though.  We learn from our mistakes.  I have many regrets.


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2 thoughts on “Just Thinking

  1. Don’t look back, oldsunbird! Life is bittersweet, no matter what our age. Enjoy that Vitamin D, and the time you have for reflection and soul growth. You write so beautifully.
    Much love to you. Bless xx

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