oldsunbird

"I have been more outrageous and more alone and more courageous than the world has known. Passerby, my heart is like your own."

Lost Day

Today was devoted to having a root canal.  I have claustrophobia and was worried about how I would breathe with that black plastic rug in my mouth, about having my mouth numb, how I would swallow, how I could sit in the chair doing nothing for an hour.  I was also worried about my blood pressure going up because of my fear.

Nothing was as bad as I thought it would be.  My mouth hurts tonight but I can handle that.  It’s the fear that makes everything difficult.

I watch how fear interferes with my life and it makes me sad.  I’m trying to change but old habits stubbornly hold on.  What I need, and want, to do is to quit thinking so much about myself, to find the love that got locked up in me somewhere.  It’s no wonder I’m lonely.  I’ve isolated myself for years.  Any socialization I participate in has mostly been the result of others contacting me. I don’t know why I have any friends at all.  I’m certainly grateful for them.

There are many issues involved in this.  I want to explore them and find a way to be the person I want to be.  But I’ll take it up another time.  I’m tired and hurting tonight.  I think I’ll try to get some sleep.

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