Morning Low

Another bummer of a morning.  Woke at 3:30 AM with BP high and climbing.  Took an extra 1/2 Lopressor but it didn’t do much good.  Four hours later, took a whole tablet.  Still didn’t stop the high readings.  Thing is, it’s not just the BP but the symptoms that go with it; dizziness, blurry eyes, ear ringing, nausea, numb finger tips, hot face & chest, sore head, neck, shoulders.  It’s not normal and I know something’s wrong but my EKG and X-Ray apparently are okay so no one will listen.  I called the cardiologist this morning and was told to lie down for a few hours & if my BP doesn’t lower to go see my internist or Urgent Care.

When BP was lower, I made some calls that Kathy, yesterday, gave me some numbers for.  The internist isn’t taking new patients so I’m back to square one with  that.  Waiting for return calls from the house cleaners and handy person, also from Life Alert.   Hope I get a bulls eye on some of them.

I’ll be grateful if the rest of the day is better than the morning.

Change Begins Inside

I saw Kathy today.   It was a good session.  She gave me the names of some people who are dedicated and honest: an internist, a housekeeper, a woman who will do small jobs.   She said these people will not take advantage; I need to wipe the slate clean and start anew.

I find myself now in the same situation some of my old patients were in when I was practicing nursing.  I saw their helpers often pounced on their helplessness and used it to their own advantage.  I know now out of experience why at least some of us, and probably most of us, know when this is happening, but feel trapped by our infirmities which make it necessary for us to hire such people in the first place.  We need the help and feel we have no choice.  So we accept the disrespect, the cheating, the negligence, the self serving.  Not that there aren’t the honest, caring, compassionate, honorable souls out there who take pride in what they do, but we are often too incapacitated or weary to search.   So we settle and are willing to overpay in order to get our needs met.   It’s disheartening enough to become prisoner to bodies growing less and less efficient so that we have to hire others to do things for us that we used to do for ourselves and would rather still do but are unable.

I’m afraid I’ve become skeptical and gloomy in my old age.  But not entirely.  There’s still room for hope in the belief that I’m surrounded by the beautiful and need only to open my mind and heart and I’ll find them.  I need to do what I can to correct my own problems and start thinking about how I might be of use to others.  This would give me a reason for living and be a source of  great pleasure.