"I have been more outrageous and more alone and more courageous than the world has known. Passerby, my heart is like your own."

Change Begins Inside

I saw Kathy today.   It was a good session.  She gave me the names of some people who are dedicated and honest: an internist, a housekeeper, a woman who will do small jobs.   She said these people will not take advantage; I need to wipe the slate clean and start anew.

I find myself now in the same situation some of my old patients were in when I was practicing nursing.  I saw their helpers often pounced on their helplessness and used it to their own advantage.  I know now out of experience why at least some of us, and probably most of us, know when this is happening, but feel trapped by our infirmities which make it necessary for us to hire such people in the first place.  We need the help and feel we have no choice.  So we accept the disrespect, the cheating, the negligence, the self serving.  Not that there aren’t the honest, caring, compassionate, honorable souls out there who take pride in what they do, but we are often too incapacitated or weary to search.   So we settle and are willing to overpay in order to get our needs met.   It’s disheartening enough to become prisoner to bodies growing less and less efficient so that we have to hire others to do things for us that we used to do for ourselves and would rather still do but are unable.

I’m afraid I’ve become skeptical and gloomy in my old age.  But not entirely.  There’s still room for hope in the belief that I’m surrounded by the beautiful and need only to open my mind and heart and I’ll find them.  I need to do what I can to correct my own problems and start thinking about how I might be of use to others.  This would give me a reason for living and be a source of  great pleasure.


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2 thoughts on “Change Begins Inside

  1. Hello oldsunbird – sorry I’m a bit tardy in replying to your having decided to follow my posts. So welcome! I haven’t posted as frequently as I would like to but life spins by in a blur at times, doesn’t it? Now I’ve read a few of yours and will follow along on your journey. I especially like the last couple of lines of this post… in the service of others we get out of ourselves. But of course you know that having been a nurse. Cheers!

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