oldsunbird

"I have been more outrageous and more alone and more courageous than the world has known. Passerby, my heart is like your own."

Archive for the month “November, 2012”

Bad News

I had a cousin just a few months younger than me.  Her name was Terry.  We met 27 years ago when we both were 58.   It’s a long story, but briefly, she lived in Kansas and had been looking for her mother  for years; finally found us in Missouri, but her mother had passed away.  I was thrilled to have her in my life.

She and her husband visited us a couple of times, and my husband and I drove to Kansas to see her.  We talked on the phone and exchanged letters.

She was such a gift; we both lamented the fact that we lived so far from each other.  I felt we had been cheated (she much more than I)  for not knowing each other when we were younger.  My dad’s family all lived close, within walking distance of one another.  If we had known each other then, we would have been playmates, probably best friends.   And then, after finally  meeting, we still couldn’t see each other that often because of the distance, and, later, due to the fact that we both had physical problems that made traveling difficult.

Our contact has been less frequent the past few years, and I’ve been the one to call.  Terry had been quite ill and on medication that left her drowsy, with slurred speech; I did most of the talking.  Not a very rewarding exchange.

I was thinking about her today and realized it had been quite awhile since we talked.  I decided to call her and was looking forward to hearing her voice.   Her husband answered, told me she died last April.    And now I regret that I didn’t call her sooner.

I’ve had that experience before.  I called my best friend after my husband died and learned she had died months before.  You’d think I would have learned by now to live as if today is the only day.  To not let time grow between us.

But time seems to go so fast.  And I think….tomorrow.  Then tomorrow comes, and I let it slide by too  And before I know it, weeks, months have passed.  Nothing in life is so certain that we can take anything for granted.

I’m glad, and grateful, that my cousin and I were able to enjoy each other, if only briefly.   If she hadn’t found us, I would never have known I had a cousin in Kansas.  She enriched my life and she’s a part of me now.

I love you Terry.  Thank you for the gift of you.

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Thanksgiving, 2012

 

I celebrate the maple tree

its late fiery brilliance

crimson leaves

birds who stayed

when others followed

the sun and stars

gray squirrels snuggling

in winter nests

spotted rabbits sleeping

in burrows,

mercurial sky

grass damp   recent rains

leaves torn by the wind

scattering earth

dogs   walkers   drivers

dashing down Luster

this bright sun room

where I sit

wrapped in velvet

eating toast and

drinking tea

my dog curled up

next to me

the thick richness

of this day

lifted from the bones

of a dewy night

just beginning

(c) Mary Harrison, 11/22/2012

 

Happy Thanksgiving to my followers and friends!

Motivation

 

 

About the only thing that motivates me these days is my girl, JennyPenny.  I’m lucky to have her.  Otherwise I’d probably just sit here and rot.  But she has to be fed twice a day, watered, let out about every hour or two and get her medicine twice a day.  Which means I have to get off my duff, if only to transfer from bed to wheelchair, and move myself around.  Yes, that’s right.  Bed! Embarrassing as it is, I spend most of my day on my bed.  Reclining, with legs stretched out, back supported by pillows.

 

And that has got to change.  The longer I stay here in my bedroom, the more strength I lose and the weaker I get.  I notice my legs aren’t as sturdy as they used to be.  I’m losing muscle.  Just a small amount of exercise leaves me weak and breathless.  If I stand longer than a few minutes, my blood pressure goes up too high.  Then I feel light headed and faint.  It’s a viscous circle.   The longer I stay on my bed, the worse I feel and the worse I feel, the more I want to operate from my bedhome.

 

What’s operating most in this viscous circle is fear.  The physical problems, along with the consequences of not pushing myself, are real.  And scary.

 

I know I could do better.  I’ve got to just DO it!  Start slow and build up.  I don’t know what I can regain of what I’ve lost, but something, I’m sure.  Yesterday I walked back and forth in the sun room about four or five times holding onto a walker and felt no ill effects.  I’ve got to do this every day.  And I’ve got to move out of my bedroom into the sunroom.

 

sunroom

sunroom (Photo credit: meglet127)

 

It’s bright and pleasant there, with a view of the yard, my neighbors, and vehicles going down Luster.   There’s a world out there I don’t want to lose contact with.

 

My love for the bedroom started when I was a small child and sick.  I spent much time in bed reading, writing, dreaming.  Even when I wasn’t sick, I could hide out in my room from my brothers, who loved to tease me.  I was the only girl in the family until after I graduated from high school.   After I had Rheumatic Fever and a mitral valve prolapse, Mother became very protective of me.  She wouldn’t let me do heavy chores or go for long walks.  Once, in high school, when my classmates went on a hike, I sat in the back of a pickup which was transporting the picnic supplies to our destination.  The message was: I was different from everyone else, weaker, not quite up to snuff.  It’s a concept I’ve had to fight all my life and am still having problems with in my old age.

 

But now, I have to find the strength and courage to change my concept of myself and to be more active, to live a normal life.

 

All There Is

Tasty Food Abundance in Healthy Europe

Tasty Food Abundance in Healthy Europe (Photo credit: epSos.de)

I’m really into food.  Mostly healthy food.  I think about meals a lot, like I used to think about boys when I was young.  Breakfast.  Lunch.  Supper.  What do I want?  Wht do I have?  What do I need to order? Food is about the only pleasure I have left.

I’m also into nutrition, nutrition that will benefit my physical conditions—low sugar, low fat, low salt.

So I order cookbooks and books on nutrition from Amazon– Dean Ornish, Joy Bauer, Dr McDougall.  I watch the Food Network on TV.  I have my own page with Dr Weil online.  It’s personalized and includes health tips for my particular problems and the latest health news.  I get a daily menu which includes three meals a day and a library of meals I can choose as substitutes.

Today I roasted vegetables (my own recipe) for lunch and made hummus for supper.  I substituted peanut butter for the tahini because it’s healthier and, surprisingly, I don’t taste the peanut butter in the finished product.

Making those two things and cleaning the kitchen used up all my energy for today.  And I did most of it sitting in a wheelchair.   The things I fix these days must be quick and easy.   So I’ve had to put away most of my old favorite recipes.

I tried Meals on Wheels but the meals aren’t all that healthy or good.  So, it’s a struggle, but I can still put a meal together; and though what I do now is far removed from what I used to do in the kitchen, the food I cook is much better than having it brought in.  And I’m grateful for that.

Thirteen Year Grief

When I worked at Newington Veteran’s Hospital as a psychiatric nurse, one of my duties was to teach classes on suicide to medical personnel—nurses, interns, aides, and students.­­­  I informed them that those who were serious about ending  their lives  were often secretive about their intent.  And that the male’s method of suicide was usually more lethal than the female’s.  Guns or hanging  vs. drugs or self-mutilation.   I advised them of warning signs: withdrawal, change in personality, loss of interest in most activities, looking depressed, poor work or school performance, change in sleep patterns, alcohol/drug abuse, talking about death or suicide, careless in appearance.

Then my husband and I retired and moved from Connecticut to Missouri.  Chris had separated from the navy, was married, living in Texas; Scott, divorced, was in the Air Force in California; Ken was working at a television station in Connecticut and John, married, a recent survivor of Hodgkin’s disease, was working as a computer analyst in Connecticut.   Separated and scattered, we were all involved in our own interests.  We communicated by phone, internet and regular mail.I took my retirement as an opportunity to seriously follow my life’s dream—writing.   I took a few creative writing classes at a local university and then some online.After Scott separated from the Air Force, he lived with Forrest and me while pursuing a degree in computer science.  Forrest became a master gardener and his interest turned to our yard.  I spent my time writing poems.  After graduation, Scott took a job at Hallmark in Kansas City.

About that time, a few physical problems I had worsened and I began thinking about the uncertainty of life.  I started a memoir about me and our family for my sons to read after my death.   I always regretted that I hadn’t asked my parents for more information about themselves.  I know very little about my ancestors.  A bonus, for me, in the writing was that going back and looking at my life in retrospect changed my perspective about me, the family and life in general.

I was involved in my writing project and welcoming John and his family who’d just arrived from Connecticut for a visit when a call came from Scott.   He’d driven himself to a hospital in K C because he was suicidal.  I knew he’d been depressed and had even overdosed (that’s another story for another time).  A few months before his call, we’d brought him to Springfield and admitted him to a hospital here.  He was discharged after a few days.  Forrest, Scott and I then looked for a house for him here.  I wanted him close so I could keep an eye on him.  I gave earnest money on a house he liked, but he went back to KC and as far as I knew, he was doing fine.  I was keeping in contact with him closely by email and by phone and had no idea he was suicidal.

After the call came, Forrest and I drove to KC to see Scott in the hospital.  We boarded his cats and took care of some other business for him, stayed overnight and saw him again next morning before returning to Springfield to be with John and his family.  I’d planned on returning to KC after John left, but a few days later, Scott was discharged from the hospital and went back to work.  I thought he was doing fine.  Two days before he shot himself, he talked to me about plans he had for buying a house and the new vet he’d found for his cats.

Thirteen years later, I still can’t watch “It’s a Wonderful Life,” Scott’s favorite Christmas holiday movie, look at his photos, or think about him for too long.  I haven’t come to grips with the fact that I, who should have known, did not recognize the warning signs that my son was in trouble.   I should have been more alert, not so distracted by my writing and other things that were going on.  I’ve learned, too late, to treat each moment as if it was the only moment, and to give it all I have.

After Scott’s death, my heart couldn’t finish my memoir.  Sadly, instead, I published a memoir in memory of Scott, and, later, one for John who died of colon cancer.

How beautiful and sacred life is!  And how fragile!  We can’t afford to be careless.   I must live with my inattention for the rest of my life and suffer the resulting heartache.

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