About the only thing that motivates me these days is my girl, JennyPenny.  I’m lucky to have her.  Otherwise I’d probably just sit here and rot.  But she has to be fed twice a day, watered, let out about every hour or two and get her medicine twice a day.  Which means I have to get off my duff, if only to transfer from bed to wheelchair, and move myself around.  Yes, that’s right.  Bed! Embarrassing as it is, I spend most of my day on my bed.  Reclining, with legs stretched out, back supported by pillows.


And that has got to change.  The longer I stay here in my bedroom, the more strength I lose and the weaker I get.  I notice my legs aren’t as sturdy as they used to be.  I’m losing muscle.  Just a small amount of exercise leaves me weak and breathless.  If I stand longer than a few minutes, my blood pressure goes up too high.  Then I feel light headed and faint.  It’s a viscous circle.   The longer I stay on my bed, the worse I feel and the worse I feel, the more I want to operate from my bedhome.


What’s operating most in this viscous circle is fear.  The physical problems, along with the consequences of not pushing myself, are real.  And scary.


I know I could do better.  I’ve got to just DO it!  Start slow and build up.  I don’t know what I can regain of what I’ve lost, but something, I’m sure.  Yesterday I walked back and forth in the sun room about four or five times holding onto a walker and felt no ill effects.  I’ve got to do this every day.  And I’ve got to move out of my bedroom into the sunroom.


sunroom (Photo credit: meglet127)


It’s bright and pleasant there, with a view of the yard, my neighbors, and vehicles going down Luster.   There’s a world out there I don’t want to lose contact with.


My love for the bedroom started when I was a small child and sick.  I spent much time in bed reading, writing, dreaming.  Even when I wasn’t sick, I could hide out in my room from my brothers, who loved to tease me.  I was the only girl in the family until after I graduated from high school.   After I had Rheumatic Fever and a mitral valve prolapse, Mother became very protective of me.  She wouldn’t let me do heavy chores or go for long walks.  Once, in high school, when my classmates went on a hike, I sat in the back of a pickup which was transporting the picnic supplies to our destination.  The message was: I was different from everyone else, weaker, not quite up to snuff.  It’s a concept I’ve had to fight all my life and am still having problems with in my old age.


But now, I have to find the strength and courage to change my concept of myself and to be more active, to live a normal life.


11 thoughts on “Motivation

  1. I’ve been ill and bedridden for two years. For a long time it was physical and pure exhaustion, grief…losing my only child, working myself nearly to death and like you I have mvp and other assorted lifelong maladies that have left me extremely fragile as I’ve aged. I had to force myself up. First in a chair and then walking. I couldn’t walk across the room without feeling faint. But now I can walk two miles on the track at the senior citizens center. I still have to sit down and rest frequently but I am up and around now. I am no longer a prisoner of my bed, my room or my computer. You don’t have to be either. No matter what your maladies, you can exede your own limitations if you simply exert the effort, force yourself to do what is most important to you and you will feel so much better and happier to accomplish even the small tasks. You can do this…don’t let another day go by that you are sinking lower. Fight back! You are worth it! This is the rest of the rest and you should be enjoying it!

    1. Happy Thanksgiving Mary! I hope you are able to walk the sunroom several times today and bask in its warm rays of healing. That today you are stronger than yesterday and you’ll be even stronger tomorrow. Have a beautiful day and know that you are not forgotten! 🙂

      1. Darlene, You are so sweet. Happy Thanksgiving to you too. Like you, I didn’t cook a turkey. I made lasagna and had a salad with it. And I wrote a poem. I don’t celebrate holidays any more for the same reason you don’t. Too many of the family missing, especially my precious sons. XO

  2. Walking back and forth in the sunroom is a good start, Mary. Do it every day. You can work up to once in the morning and once in the evening. After time, maybe you can do it three times a day. Take it slow, but do it every day. I’m so glad Jenny Penny helps you. Is your son there often?

    1. Maddie, Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I plan on doing just what you said, walk once a day, then twice, and three times. I’ll do some bed and chair exercises too. I’m getting enthused just thinking about it.

      1. Good, Mary! It’s like me with the treadmill. I can only do a little right now, but next week, I’d like to do a little more, and then see what the next week brings. We can do this. 🙂

  3. If that is a photo of your sunroom then I’m so jealous. I’d love to have a space like that. I can see where you’d like to take advantage of it.
    I have a similar space outside that I call my ‘holy place’, one where I can enjoy nature and write or read. It is a real pleasure of my life, when I can make it out there.
    Keep up the efforts, the rewards will be worth it.

    1. Dwayne, I do have a nice sun room with lots of windows, but the one I posted isn’t it. It’s great to have a place of your own where you can be with your thoughts. I haven’t seen you lately. I hope you’re doing well. Hope you have a happy Christmas.

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