oldsunbird

"I have been more outrageous and more alone and more courageous than the world has known. Passerby, my heart is like your own."

Tears

English: Portrait of old woman sitting by a wi...

English: Portrait of old woman sitting by a window. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The woman looking out the window is not me, but she could be me.  I spend a lot of time looking out the window.

I cry every day.  TV, poems, telephone conversations, everything makes me cry.    Sad things, happy moments, but mostly beauty.  There is so much beauty in the world.  And it fills me with tears.  The innocence of children, little acts of kindness between strangers, a loving heart, nature, the long suffering and loyalty of dogs and other animals, and the awful beauty of loss.  Yes, loss, and what it does to us.  Or, what we do with it.  Loss changes people, makes us more patient, compassionate, understanding, loving.

But I cry so much!  It bothers me sometimes.  I remember when Henry,  the man Mother married after Dad died, cried at a birthday party we gave him.  Forrest, my husband, said, “Don’t be a baby.”  It made me sad that he said such an unfeeling thing; And I hope Henry didn’t hear him.  Having worked with the elderly, I knew, from experience, that older people tear up more easily than the young.   There are exceptions, of course.   One obvious reason for this, I think, is that by the time you reach those elder years, you’ve had countless losses and gone through many changes.  And, I believe, we are also grieving our own coming deaths.  Every time someone I care about dies, I feel a little closer to that day.

Tonight, watching Christmas in Rockefeller Center on TV, I had to change the channel.  So many memories attached to the songs.  Happier times, when we were all here enjoying the season together.  I haven’t put up a tree since Scott died thirteen  years ago.   My only two grandchildren, both adopted, live in Connecticut; I live in Missouri.  We don’t have much contact since John, my son (their dad} died.  Sadly, Christmas and many other holidays, are just times for me to get through.  Giving to others, especially the needy, helps, but, still, the heart of Christmas is missing for me.  And many others.

This may seem like a contradiction to what I said about the elderly being compassionate, understanding and loving because of their losses.  And I guess it is.  Much of my life, and feelings, are contradictory.    I’m trying to put it all together so I can feel whole again.

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26 thoughts on “Tears

  1. My Daddy was a mans man…but in his later years…he’d tear up sentimentally especially over his favorite granddaughter when we’d visit..He lived with me for five years towards the end of his life and many times he’s wake me up in the middle of the night to share a photo or a song that he was playing from an era gone by…he loves the boston pops and his favorte song was Dixieland. It made me cry when he’d cry…To see that big man so sensitive and it really touched my heart that he felt so deeply. I’m glad that as we age we are more in tune with our emotions and share them more openly. Its alright to cry…its healing and it shows what a tender hearted person you truly are…

  2. Such melancholy. Christmas is in your heart. I hope you find some this year.

  3. I have fallen in love with your beautiful blog and your amazing words. I cry too.

  4. I think people who are easily touched by things are beautiful souls with kind and loving hearts, and we need more of them in this world.

  5. Crying is natural, as is our laughing. It is good to cry. It helps us to grieve, remember, feel better. I think you know I’m a crier, and I’ve come to accept it. We have been given a gift of tears, I think. It is one more way to experience our world around us – just like you said.

  6. Hello, came by to thank you for your follow and to do like wise and found this beautiful post. I am delighted to see this topic being discussed.

    I have known two types of men in my life, those who think it is macho not show and share feelings, and those men who are quite comfortable with expressing feelings.
    I am always more at ease with the gentlemen who are man enough to express what they are feeling to me.

    Lovely post I look forward t to reading more from you ~ BB

    • Yes, I, too, admire men and women who are able to express their humanity. Some souls are so wounded, they cannot. And many men, or course, were raised to repress their feelings. Sad, many of us need one another but so often make ourselves unavailable from what we need, and want. This is one of the things I’m trying to work on.

  7. I’ve noticed the same thing, that I tear up SO much more easily as the years go by. I thought it was just me – I’m so glad you wrote this. Now I don’t feel so weird about it.

    I subscribed to your blog a long time ago, but for some reason I never get notifications of your posts. I’m glad I found you again, you’re such a warm soul.

    • Thank you for sharing with me that you do this too. It does help to know I’m not alone. I’m glad you found me too because now I’ve found you. I always enjoy doggie blogs so much.

  8. lucewriter on said:

    I just nominated you for the most inspirational blogger award :).

  9. lucewriter on said:

    As I just mentioned, I just nominated you for the most inspirational blogger award :). Go here to read about it: http://writersite.org/2012/12/08/from-the-cat-choir/.

    • I’m sorry to be so late in responding to your very generous nomination. I have not been well for quite a while. And I don’t know how to get the images on the page. I’ve had other nominations recently as well and I’ll try to respond to everyone soon. Thank you so much. It is such an honor.

  10. Mary, I have just nominated you for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award. I hope you will accept the nomination.

    • Yes, of course I accept the nomination. I just have to learn a few technical things before I can go forward with it. Thank you so much for nominating me. I am honored and grateful that you thought of me and to be in such good company. I’ll try to respond soon.

      • Mary, thank you for accepting the nomination. However, I don’t think there is an obligation to follow the rules. One is allowed to just sit back and savour the knowledge that they have been an inspiration. And you have, Mary. Indeed, you have.

  11. Thank you for your blog. I’ve nominated you for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award. http://russellboyle.wordpress.com/2012/12/19/very-inspiring-blogger-award/

  12. lucewriter on said:

    Mary, you get nominated for awards by at least two people and then don’t write any more posts! Please come back and write some more! I know you have had a lot of losses. It’s healthy to write :). Merry Christmas to you.
    Luanne

    • Oh, Luanne, I’m sorry. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. I do appreciate the nominations and wish I could participate right away; but I have a lot to learn about connecting to other sites and how to transfer images. I’ve not felt well recently. I hesitate to blog because I don’t want to spread my gray thoughts around. I get tired of them myself. Also, I’ve had many days when just to get through them was all I could do. Today I posted three short poems on my poetry page just to give some sort of a showing. I hope you’re enjoying the holidays! Peace and blessings, Mary

      • lucewriter on said:

        Oh Mary, don’t think you need to respond about the nominations! But I am so glad you posted the poems. They are beautiful and remind me of the poetry of Mary Oliver. Thank you for the treat!
        Luanne

      • Luanne, I love Mary Oliver! She’s one of my favorit poets. I’m honored you think of her when you read me. Thank you for such a huge compliment. Have a wonderful holiday! Hugs, Mary

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