Ken, my son who lived with me, killed himself the day after Christmas. I’m still in shock and disbelief. I’ll write more later..
Some days, I can’t do anything without feeling dizzy and light-headed. If I try to cook or empty the dishwasher, even in my wheelchair, I feel as if I’ll pass out. So I have to be content to do nothing.
Every time I have a day like this, I become discouraged, believe I’ll never feel ‘normal’ again, whatever normal is. To me, it’s being able to walk through my house without the aid of a walker or a wheelchair (though I’d welcome a walker today); cook and bake the way I used to; drive; walk my dog, play with her outside, visit my friends; go shopping; go to church; do the laundry and other chores when they need to be done, not having to wait for a ‘good’ day. Or even just to get up and walk across the room to look out the window or turn on a light.
I think of the things I used to do and realize how much personal freedom I’ve lost. When I was 80, three months after Forrest died, I sold my house, had an auction and moved to Connecticut all in one month. Now, five years later, I’m in a wheelchair. Actually, a year after Forrest’s death, I started using a walker. Just months later, the wheelchair.
I’ve seen doctors, had tests; No one can make a diagnosis. It’s obvious that I have high blood pressure but my heart beats steadily, though I do have a condition called paroxysmal atrial tachycardia which sends me to the ER when I have an episode (not often).
I knew one day I’d get old and have to slow down, but I never dreamed I’d not be able to walk. It was a blow when I could no longer dance. I loved dancing. Such a freeing feeling. Now I’d be deliriously happy if I could just walk and feel normal.
Today I had to cancel a dental appointment. My teeth really need to be cleaned and it takes so long to get an appointment. Making appointments is tricky. Fitting Ken’s time in with office time.
Then there are the better days when I can wheel lickety-split through the rooms of the house, stand, walk with the walker, fix a meal without feeling I’m going to faint, perform light chores… I’m a completely different self. And I don’t know why. I keep looking for answers so I can make all days better. I appreciate them so much when they occur.
At my age, you realize that you’re not as in control of your life as you once thought. There’s not much in life you can depend on 100 %.
I try to accept what is and go on with my life. Find things I can be grateful for–the beauty of nature, my sweet companion dog, JennyPenny, what family and friends I have left, my books, computer, telephone, my mind, a house I like, funds which I hope will last me the rest of my life if the economy will allow it, the list goes on. I’d like to add faith to that list but there are questions, doubts to overcome. That’s for another day.
This is not an uplifting blog. I started it to find answers, to become acquainted with myself. And to present that self to the world.
She’s 10, a red mini-poodle, on the small side. She joined our family last Friday after a long flight that lasted all day, with two lay-overs. She was tired and scared when she arrived. My joy at having her was tempered by the knowledge that she was ripped from her other family and the only world she’d ever known to be with me. I’m humbled and honored to be her new mother and I’ll do all in my power to make her comfortable and happy.
She’s eating well, drinking water and going outside to potty. She does a happy dance (twirls in circles) when she’s excited, especially when she knows she’s going to get her thyroid pill wrapped in a piece of cheese. She was very nervous about the cats at first; and though she’s still not interacting with them, their presence in the room no longer makes her shake. She mostly ignores them.
She’s a sweet, mild-mannered little soul and I love her already.
I want to apologize to my readers. I have a bad case of carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands–the palms and all fingers. And the right hand is worse! I’ll be out of commission for a while but I’ll be back as soon as I can type with my right hand without making the condition worse. I hope it will be soon. I look forward to reading your posts. I feel like I’ve been cut off from the world! Bless you all!
A rough morning but a better afternoon. Felt weak & fragile early on, better this afternoon but never really completely regained my strength–what strength I have.
Spent the morning in my recliner in the sun room. A lot of looking out the wall of windows I had installed so I could watch the animals and the seasons. A nice way for me to relax and feel connected to the outside world. Squirrels, rabbits, many species of birds, and my dogs when they go out. I love watching them all. They are an inspiration to me; They teach me lessons on how to live. I love the sun too. If I’m depressed and then the sun comes out, my mood changes drastically. It’s amazing how fast that happens. I’ve written many a poem looking out those windows.
Karen, my sweet niece, surprised me with a call around noon. She’s in town and wanted to come by and see me before she took her mother to a doctor’s appointment. Liz, my sister-in-law, had by-pass surgery a few weeks ago and has had a few complications. Karen, being an M.D. likes to talk to the doctors so that she understands completely what her mother is facing. Because of her concern for her mother, she has decided she’ll leave her job in Arizona and move back here to be near Liz. She’s looking at a hospital here in Springfield and is back for her second interview.
I hope she does move back. For Liz’s sake, but also for my own selfish reasons. She and I have a special bond and I feel so good in her energy.
So what I’m most grateful for today is Karen, my sweet niece and my joy.